Ok, so there was a story about me putting a pad on in an UBER that was meant to be posted today…. But because of this story we’re pushing that one back to tomorrow. Unless I run into someone else, than the post will be about them.
This morning I went to a press preview for Frederique Constant at Brookfield Place. The plan was to arrive at 11AM, take a boat ride for about half an hour and skedaddle along with my day. Well, that didn’t happen. I arrived at the designated area but couldn’t find anyone, so my 11AM appointment wound up starting around 11:20AM pushing back my “I’M ON A BOAT!” moment to the rescheduled 12PM. Which, bee tee dub, was pushed back even further to around 12:30PM.
Typically, I would have been rolling on the ground like a child in Target begging for a spanking at this point, but have recently decided to blame everything on destiny; nothing could really kill my vibe. So, when I finally got my ride in that four-seater luxury vessel, I threw my inability to swim to the wind as we encountered Lady Liberty and Ellis Island closer than I’d ever seen either of them. [Pictures below]
Now by the time I returned and on my way to the subway, it was around 1PM and had to decide whether or not there was enough time to stop by Barnes & Nobles for the latest issue of TATLER. TATLER is my jam. I try to read it as much as possible, but it being a publication only B&N or specialty bodegas in the city (none near me, mind you) purchasing it has become a treat. Like a person on cheat day but it happens to be raining. You really want that corn muffin from Au Bon Pain as you’ve worked for it, but that rain is really fucking shit up! Today was cheat day, and I was getting that muffin come rain or come shine.
As I’m walking around looking for the latest issue, I’m getting slightly frustrated by all the channels in-sight but not being able to find my TAT! Because I had come this far, I sucked it up and attempted to find a sales person at the massive customer service desk that also happens to always be empty. ALWAYS. No one was there (of course) so I waited. A minute or so passes before this tan, full lipped, enchanting eyed woman comes towards the books in my area. At first I thought Is that Irina Shayk?, but dismissed it as my eyes playing tricks on me. She browses more books in my area getting closer and closer. At this point, I’m full on staring trying to disarm a war between my mind and basic understanding of public tact screaming for me to “Look away”, while my eyes hand taken complete control of the situation and refused to budge.
To make matters worse, after asking her, “Are you Irina Shayk?” and her lips parting slightly to say, “Yes,” than closing with a smile. I still stared. Yeah, that’s right. I was a freaking deer in headlights. Imagine someone staring at you from, at this moment in the story, roughly TWO feet away. Dude, it’s about two forearms in distance – If even that! I didn’t even open my mouth to compliment her though the way I’m describing her is exactly what I was thinking at the time. But to make matters worse, she complimented ME! Yeeesssssss, as she turned IN FRONT OF ME to move to the area she said, “I love your hair. It’s so cute!” Which is the perfect time to giggle, say, “Aww, thank you!” and follow up with, “Can I just say how enchanting your eyes are?” But I didn’t. I just did the first two and continued staring. Honestly, I was seconds away from farting just to snap me out of this trance.
Why farting you ask? Well, I have this theory that doing the most unthinkable act is the only way to remedy what you are going through then, in lieu of doing the sanest thing i.e. not violate Irina with your eyes. For instance, I have a horrible fear of heights. When I went snowboarding in Utah this passed January I had to ride the lift to get me to the other side. My eyes were closed the entire first ride (I went on the lift three times). I didn’t look down [Duuhhh, rule no. 1 of height fears], but also found the feeling of knowing that I was so high above, crippling. So to remedy the sensation, my first thought was to jump off. No joke. Rational? Absolutely, not! But the thought instantly calms me down. It takes me to that extreme emotional place that knocks some sense back in to me. It’s like when you’re on a date and you’re so nervous, but you wish you could show how awesome you really are. An outer body experience of screaming and no one thinking anything out of the norm would be great, but you have to find solace in your inner body experience to deal with what’s before you. (For those who are saying, “That’s still not rational, Till!” Yes, it is. My therapist says so. ::does a creepy smile and tilts head downwards::)
So, because I wasn’t able to find solace today, I’ll make do with this.
::clears throat::
Dear Irina,
If your publicist happens to get a Google Alert on this post, I hope they send it to you. We met today at Barnes & Nobles. I was the woman with the purple hair staring way too hard and saying way too little…for how hard I was staring. These are the things I wanted to say but froze:
- It was such a pleasure meeting you.
- Your eyes are intense and mesmerizing.
- That Atelier Versace hooded chartreuse gown you wore to Cannes 2014, is still one of my all time favorite red-carpet looks.
Hope you enjoy your book,
Tillie
::smiles and curtsies::
Until my next awkward moment,
x Tillie
P.S. Oh yeah, the associate eventually showed up and helped me find the mag.