Tuesday morning subway commutes in New York City

Train commutes in the city stirrup every emotion in seconds. You can go from laughing at a book to utter disgust from a drunk passenger waving around there genitals to being the only starstruck person as Brandy serenades in a hoodie in sunglasses. This  post was written on my subway ride to workout this [Tuesday] morning . Yeah, that’s right… something so maddening happened that I spent the next 35 minutes Evernoting this piece; finishing it off on my way home for a shower.

Get on the fucking train! I don’t car how tired you are or if you’re looking for a spot. The moment the train pulls up, you look through the windows for a place and go. Find one or two spots and make a b-line for it. Don’t stand in the door while others are rushing in to not be crushed by the car doors.

If it’s crowded and you have a protruding handbag, or backpack, or whatever else you travel with… Pull it in towards you or carry it in your hands. The space that oversized luggage is taking up, could fit another person.

Beverage drinkers who choose to also read. Choose one or the other because for some reason you callously hold the drink but squeeze the smart device with dear life. If that drink spills on me, I’m punching you in the face. Young, old, or baby… no one gets a pass.

Riders with children and strollers…. Have mercy on us all. When you come in with an OPEN stroller and decide to block the door, but also have your children sit down in the seats and not in the stroller… Walk. Sorry, not sorry. First off, you’ve just taken up three or four standing spots and a minimum of three seats. How Sway? [That’s a Kanye reference for those who don’t know.] 

Now those who have those hollering children flinging food and drink everywhere, take the damn food out of their hand and stop apologizing to the passengers. Half of the problem can be remedied just by preventing your child from staining that man’s freshly pressed shirt with your baby’s organic unsweetened cherry juice.

If you are an able bodied person sitting down when a pregnant woman, someone with a loose child, an elderly person, someone with physical disabilities gets on the train… Get. The fuck. Up. I don’t know what sort of dark cave you were raised in, but in reality, you get up. I don’t care if you’ve had a long day, just finished the most intense workout of your life, if you’re wearing a cast from a torn rotator cuff, GET. UP. And this is anywhere. On the bus, subway, waiting room, anywhere. I shouldn’t have to explain why you NEED to give them your seat, not offer. I see you people who say, “Do you want to sit down?” Of course they do dick! Tell them, “Please sit,” as your ass gets up. And you weasels, who see this and try and slink your behinds in, don’t try it in my presence. I will block you faster than a SWF blocks her “hot” friend from getting a date. If I’m standing, and see no one gets up, I will call everyone out. I’ve done it many times before, and will gladly do it again.

The subway doesn’t care whether you sit or stand, neither do I, so that means your safety is not on the list of “MAKE SURES” for either of us. So if you choose to get on and don’t immediately sit down or hold on to something ensuring you don’t fly feet across the car, that’s on you. Most of you know how this vehicle works. Don’t think things have changed since you were last on this morning.

Platform babies…. PARENTS, watch them. Not the public, but you. If you’re busy looking through your bag for snacks or your cell or a mirror to retouch your lipstick, they better be clutched between your legs. Having your child looking over the platform could end their life and another person’s, if they jump to save your child. If we see something, yes, speaking up should happen. Being an unpaid nanny is not on our resume.

Listen, kids get rowdy. Duh. They’re kids. But when your child is running up and down the car, swinging on the poles, or giving an X-rated striptease, don’t sit there saying,”Hahaha… You’re a monkey today?! What will you be tomorrow?” We don’t know, but if your child kicks someone in the face know that you’ll be cleaning up a bloody nose; from someone’s protection reflexes, or someone punching you for laughing it off.

Also, don’t be me mad when someone tells your child to sit the fuck down because their parent has proven to be absolutely useless.

Newborns in those chest and back sacks. I don’t know what they are called, but the idea was stolen from African baby carrying techniques. Don’t carry your child on the back, than lean against the door. True story, on the A train a mother with an empty stroller (the too large toddler was walking beside her), with a baby in a back sack. Without even flinching she stood next to the door and obviously taking in her body size space alone. Her baby’s head was leaning back in the door. The doors start closing, she still hasn’t moved up. We all scream and someone yanks her forward. She says, “Oh, thank you.” Everyone is in utter shock. I get off at the next stop because I couldn’t see what the end result could’ve been. Carry your child on the chest, always.

You putting your feet on a row of seats not only dirtying where others will sit, but taking at least five seats because the subway has become your couch at home; put those hole infested chucks on the floor where they belong an clean off that row. Don’t have Lysol wipes? You better find some.

Feet

Tourists…. Jesus Christ, I don’t have time for you today.

People struggling to carry those grocery strollers, baby strollers, luggage, whatever else … Ask if you can help them. If you’re carrying your own load (like a real load of groceries, boxes, etc., not two handbags) you may not be able to. But if you can, help. Don’t be one of those people that never offer but expect another to help when it’s you.

Homeless citizens are people. I don’t need to explain this, but for some reason many subway riders are convinced they are the chosen ones. It’s unfortunate they don’t have a roof over their head to rest at night and shower the next morning, food in their belly so they don’t have to beg, clean clothes on their back to “look the part”. And they know that. You taking your bright pink Chinatown purchased pashmina scarf from your neck to tie a turban around your nose is rude. They know you are doing it because of them. If the smell offends you so much, wait until the next stop and move over to the next car. Don’t make a scene when their worldly possessions are blocking your 10 Whole Food’s bags of groceries from being situated properly. You just purchased 10 bags worth of food from Whole Food’s… you can afford a cab. So stop complaining, or take another form of transportation.

That’s all I have in me today, but trust and believe there will be more.

 

Until the next time a slug annoys me on my morning commute,

xTillie

 

P.S. I joined a dating app. You’ll definitely be hearing a bit about that soon. From what I’ve seen so far, a lot of people are voting for Trump. No joke.