It’s what the title says, and these are all true stories.
*text comes in that your uber driver is arriving*
Me: [standing outside with bags waving down uber]
Uber: [slows down, then speeds up to parallel park on the other side of the road]
Me: [struggle walk to him and open door]
Uber: Oh, are you Tillie? You were over there before.
Me: Yes, I know.
*Uber is driving 21mph on Westside highway from 79th to 14th street*
Me: Hi. Umm, so I just noticed the speed limit is 35mph, and you’re definitely going 21.
Uber: Yeah, I can’t drive the speed limit and talk on the phone. It’s hard to multi-task.
Uber: Do you like my new car? It’s only two weeks old.
Me: Congratulations.
Uber: Do you like it?
Me: Yes, it’s nice. *let’s hope we don’t get into a car accident.*
*white male driver wearing a snapback playing rap music*
Uber: You see the Billboards? Drake took OVER!
Me: Oh really? No I didn’t watch it.
Uber: Oh… well, Drake took over!
Me: *I didn’t watch them, but those clips tell me a different story.*
* in FedEx overhearing another customer’s interaction with an agent*
FedEx: Last name “Thomas”?
Customer: [leans over counter to inch closer to agent] Yes. There are so many things you can do with that name. Tommy Boy. Peeping Tom. Uncle Tom.
* about to enter Zabar’s on 80th and Broadway, when an elderly woman stops me *
Elder: Hi, sweety! Can you go inside and buy me a ham bone? It’s $5. [She puts the money in my hand]
Me: Sure, ok. Can I ask why you don’t want to go inside?
Elder: I was kicked out, and now am banned.
Me: Ohhh, ok.
* yes, I did buy her the ham bone. *